The Toilet

[ReverendLostLamb]

Time for another spam thread.
I read a book and this subject came up.
We live in the 21st century now and i still have to use tweaks in order to not get splashback from the toilet. Are there any special tricks you fellas use except putting paper in there before you excrement?

Its just so crap that in modern society you have to rely on tweaks in order to get a relieving visit to the bathroom, i wonder when the toilet makers cure the splashback.

So far I've learned that:

If you sit slightly further back and bend forward, thus creating an angle of approximately 30degreese from the opening of your anus to the vertical vector, the shit will slowly ooze down the back 'wall' of the toilet removing any splash effect that may otherwise contaminate your ass.

1) Rookies tend to lean too far foreward or sit back too far. This may create a natural barricade made from the toilet seat blocking the exit of the anal passage through which the shit needs to leave the body. Improves with practice.

2) It is easier to start off with simple maneuvering first, therefore I propose that you practice on squatting toilets before moving onto the ones with a seat.

3) Certain foods and too much internal pressure during the exercise, may cause your shit to 'bounce' off the wall. Don't rush or push.. Just concentrate and let the natural force of gravity combined with the smooth flow of your shit being eased out through abdomenal contractions take it's course.

[Sparrisen]

This is not a problem of mine. My aim is perfect. I don't even have to clean the toilet. I put paper in, usually two maps, but sometimes only one, and I place them maily so the front waterline is covered, so it licks to the front of the toilet. I mainly do this because I want to make sure, SHOULD I due to some unfortunate accident, mis-aim, the shit WILL land upon the paper. likewise, the purpose of the other piece/pieces is to provide cover for the rest of the china.  There may, like maby twice a month or something, be an occasional splashback, when the faeces is of optimal size, shape and density.

I have perfected the art of shitting. By your age, it took me 10 minutes from start to finish, but now the procedure, in stressed conditions have been reduced to down to 30 seconds.

I soon, during my military life, surrendered to the fact that, I will crap in the woods, and decided to make the best of it. By becoming the best. Now shitting in the forest does not usually have a splashback effect, BUT there are other hazards!

-If you do not assume a steady position, beware, you might fall over, and regret it.
- DO NOT MISAIM, specifically, DO NOT MISAIM INTO YOUR PANTS.
- If you assume a position where you rely on support, make sure that said support is durable and steady.
- If you assmue a position where you rely on muscle strenght, make sure that you're properly exercised and rested.
- Forgetting toilet paper in the woods can be bad depending on the type of forest.
- most importantly: DON'T PANIC. While a drastic statment, someone crapping is a most excellent time to surprise them in their vournable state. Cutting the sausage in twain with your pants lining for example is a bad idea. Surrender to the fact that people MIGHT surprise you, and accept that. This will make you less edgy.

Now, a good crap in the woods can take up to two hours to prepare. First off, you will want somewhere to sit. This is the most time consuming part, generally, since proper material and location might take a while to find. IF you by pure luck find some creek of sorts, this is perfect, especially if there's a fallen tree over or likewise. (shitting in running water means no one will step in, or see, your poo) Otherwise, you will have to make do with what you have.

Digging a hole could be recommended, depending on terrain.

1: SCAN THE AREA. An nearby anthill could mean future trouble.

Shelter: Is important, especially if you're in a semi hostile environment, and a surprise isn't that unlikely. But, as mentioned, surrender to the fact that you might be surprised regardless. Also, shelter from above will mean your toilet paper will remain dry if a sudden burst of rain appears.

Protective Barrier: Generally you want something between your pants and your shit. This comes naturally with sitting on a log for example. This is a tricky hazard. Take my word for it, you cannot truly relax without said protective barrier.

Support: Should the worst happen, you might want to have something to hold on to.

Toilet paper holder: Yes, very neet. This means you're all set.

-Take a look around when you're done, so there's no wolf or bear sneaking up on you. The shelter SHOULD be 360, but if it's not, covering your back will do.

-Relax, and enjoy your crap in the woods.

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SPEEDVARIANT

0.5: make sure you have paper/gather leaves
1: Notice a tree. Rough surface is recommended, this means more friction to your back, and less strain for your legs.
2: Assume position, back against the tree, squat down so your legs bend at 90¤ angle
3: Make sure nothing is obstructing the path of Poo (again, your pants, for example.)
4: Poo, dry, and make sure you don't fall in any way, shape or form, as you reassume standing position

#2

1: Find somthing to hold on to, a stable twig or a small tree.
2: hold on to this for support, as you squat, this means your ass will stick out a lot from your body
3: repeat step 4.

This one is especially important that you have stable support.

SQUATTING

GENERALLY NOT RECOMMENDED

Why??

Because, this highly endangers your pants, either from piss of poo. Might also affect your shoes. To be rougly certain no accident will happen, it would be somewhat smart to REMOVE your pants 100%, but this makes you vournable to surprise attack of course.

[Hullu]

I just let it go KA-BOOOOOOO

[ReverendLostLamb]

The bigger bomb the bigger boom? Or perhaps it will fall smoothly on the surface making no splash at all...

[Hullu]

Denial of poo-splashs is gay.