Values

[Sparrisen]

Alright, I'm gonna post this in english, because I think I'm going to post this in other places as well. Might be a life changer. I was reading awakening the giant within an stumbled over the chapter of Values. And this was truly heart-tearing. I've always strived to be a good person, so my values reflect what I've percieved a good person to be like, spiced with the values I've learned from self development. Here goes: (IN ORDER OF IMPORTANCE)

1: Duty
2: Contribution
3: Freedom
4: Growth
5: Honesty
6: Passion
7: Trust
8: Intimacy
9: Adventure
10: Health
11: Control
12: superiority
13: Modesty (directed at myself, especially since I'm often superior in skill)

And the real friends that I HAVE generally have very high standards either in compassion or honesty, things you don't even notice until after several years in a relationship (If it's a real value to them, or they just give you compliance and kiss ass because you're a cool guy).

Anyhow, my values are loaded with conflicts. Duty, with freedom. Contribution often clashes with growth. One of the reasons I often go out ALONE, is that I can PERFECTLY justify to myself, helping a friend get a girl but getting none myself. Often going out with someone puts breaks on MY development, but speeds my wing's. Many of my relations ARE like that. Most of the wings I had since I started owe me money, for example. I don't mind giving, and they're not bad people, they just have different values.
But fact is that the only friends that I have that I'm about square with, regarding the value both parts pour into the relation, is my old pals back in my original hometown.


-I've been called an excellent wing.
-I know I'm an excellent coach, because there's NOTHING I won't do to help a "mentee".

But my progress, to myself, has always seemed slow (even if other people around me seem to marvel at my, in my own estimation, modest gains.)

Let's add my "moving-away-from values" to the equation: (these are just rankings of the ones anthony suggested in his book, some of them hold little meaning to me)

1: Guilt
2: Failure
3: Humiliation
4: Frustration
5: Depression
6: Loneliness
7: Anger
8: Rejection


It's only the top 4 that I really care about by the way. Depression, as a musician, can even be nice and useful. I steer away from in to condition my mind into being happier since I started with selfdevelepment though. Loneliness, I don't really mind. I can be alone a lot. Anger is fine, it's nice to get pissed at times, and rejection doesn't bother me shit, if I don't have anything to actually loose on the relation other than the relation itself. If I start investing though, rejection might be an issue, which is why I usually try to stay independent.

Guilt, failure and humilation are also huge breaks though, because well, I try to come off as an alpha winner dude and sometimes that's just not right. Sometimes, I don't have a friggin clue what to do. Sometimes, I don't know where I'm going. Sometimes I wade through murky water where I might feel guilt for misleading the girl into what might turn into failure and humiliation. And I do fear that. And that fear holds me back. ( I've not seen any tips for changing this by the way )

So, where am I going with this.

Anthony does not only suggest finding OUT your values, he suggests CHANGING them, to fit your ultimate destiny. And there's where I get confused. That's where I get hesitant. Most of my values, they got there semi-conciously. I've always been trying to improve myself.

I mean, consider the duty one. I remember once describing my life as "a burden I'm rock hard determined to carry". There has been people who asked how to keep going with self improvement, what keeps others on track. I remember replying "Well just make a friggin desicion, and leave yourself no choice!" I never considered it might not be that easy for everyone. It's my set of values that makes me KNOW, that I will never give up. It's my friggin duty to life. It doesn't change. It's not something that makes me happy one day, and doesn't interest me the next day. It's a duty. I don't have a choice.

Also, when I was in oslo, and I couldn't make myself approach women in the streets, consistently putting it off, the last straw that made me do it, was that I made a promise. I said it out aloud. I said it to the world, I wrote it to some of my friends. This is it. This made me sleep on park benches is malmö after sarging and going home empty handed.
"Yep, I'm going out, and probably going to freeze to near death. But it's my duty. Let's go." It's what made me go out solo, made me go out when I was sick.
But I fear it might not take me that much longer. Check it out:

LIFE IS A BURDEN I'M ROCK HARD DETERMINED TO CARRY
Does that look attractive to you? If you go up to a chick: "It's my duty to hit on you."

"I don't really want you in any way right now, because I'm exhausted and tired and I just wanna go home, but It's my duty to make a try for it."
Talk about forcing it.

Alright, so what I'm considering, truly, is to change my values. I don't know if I want to. I don't have like any safety nets, no coach to pick me up if I mess myself up. But I could enjoy life more, "Duty" puts limits on my happiness. What if I introduced "Happiness" and put it on top? What would that do? Would I go out to the gym on a rainy day? Would I study the physician literature that I'm going to have to wade through? Would I still be the ultimate good person that I respect and value?
I've taught myself to be able to be happy whenever I want to. If it's my first priority I could probably be happy a LOT of the time.

Duty is also what makes me KNOW that there's no better leader than me, because I never get power mad. I know that with power comes obligation, and I respect the obligations.

I also consider removing my pursuit of freedom from my list. Perhaps, I will never find freedom if I keep chasing it.

Well anyway, this is a huuge desicion, and I'm looking for some feedback, because I don't really know If I'm going to do this.

It could be that Instead of fulfilling my duty to become happy, I might happily fulfill my duty. Or it might turn out that I neglect my duties to myself, the world, and my close ones. And if I start lowering the importance of duty in my life, I don't know if I'm able to get it back, should it not be the correct path.

Anyhow, feedback please

[Faro]

Dude I may be the only one to read this through.

Anthony has been around a long time, I looked into his stuff like 20 years ago, Bought the tapes and everything.

Basically I see 2 problems first is easy. The conflict between your values- This will never stop, it is what defines your values. example: do you work long hours to provide a good life for your family, or do you spend more time with your family to the exclusion of your job?
Second is your slow progress towards your goals.

Personally I think you are making it too difficult on yourself, Why change anything, are you unhappy? If you are you have to determine why, what makes you unhappy?
Figure out what you want and how to get it. Set up a series of goals along with intermediate steps to monitor your progress include time tables and everything. It works I've tried it. but then as you may know I am well past the angst of youth. ( I do not mean to be condescending) Introspection fades a bit as age narrows your options.

[Nightmare]

Just relax, stop thinking and enjoy the life as it is.

[Faro]

Yeah, thats what I really meant.

[PimpMachine]

Dear Sparrisen!

I have read it as well, and my suggestion to you is that you seek some therapy. No, seriously, not because you are sick and that you medically need it, but as a luxury. A good therapist can really help you out - I have had some difficult times in my life, and I went to therapy for a few years, once every fortnight. Maybe I did need it the first few times in a medical sense, but after that I kept going just as a way to find out some of the more difficult questions in life, like "Who am I?", "What do I want?", "What is important in life?" etc. A good therapist will help you answer those questions, he will not answer them for you, you have to answer them yourself. It is now more than 15 years since I had my last session with my therapist... It changed my life for the better, and I wholeheartedly recommend that you try it out. Sure - it is expensive, but it is worth every penny.  / Pimp

[Faro]

I'm pretty sure Tony Robbins needs therapy too.

[Sparrisen]

^^ well, thanks for looking this through I think my problems are like this:

1: I have a lot, and I don't appreciate it.
2: I'm super-good, and I don't recognize it.

I mean, I know people who SUCK, but who are constantly just feeling good about themselves. And well, I can do that too, if I make it a priority, but my priority now is actually REACHING my goals. Feeling good isn't a part of duty. BUT, duty takes me towards my goals, no doubt.

I'm sure I can change this, but I don't know if I want to. Accomplishment, or happiness?
I think I actually might have to make a change here.

Therapist is quite cool, it sounds like coaching to me, and I've even looked towards maby becoming a coach one day. BUT. I'm soon a student, I don't even know how I will pay for the things that I *HAVE* to do.

--------
Yea, so it's an issue if things are making me unhappy or not. I consider people with a sense of duty as like "real" people. A sense of duty adds extra importance to all your values, because you have a duty towards them. Sometimes that can be like a lighthouse standing up in a raging ocean and can help you through, but no one says that the lighthouse actually is HAPPY.

No, I think I will have to make a change here. Once I reach my current goals, there will always be more, and what's that worth if you don't enjoy the journey hmm??


EDIT: and yes, I probably think too much, but I guess most selfdevelopers do^^

[Hullu]

I suck, but I love it.

[mayhem]

I suck, but I love it.

Oh me too!

[Hullu]

Me and Mayhem are noobs. 

[Faro]

And thats how a thread gets killed.