Lack of emotions... OFFENSIVE???

[Sparrisen]

[Today at 04:02:55] Sparrisen: Alright
[Today at 04:03:05] Sparrisen: My brother just made a comic strip
[Today at 04:03:51] Sparrisen: It features my brother's theoretical analysis about the cells survival, as the humans body dies
[Today at 04:04:15] Sparrisen: It's in the setting of the room, where my mom died, it features my moms death of cancer
[Today at 04:04:45] Sparrisen: After the analysis, he concludes "Albeit, that doesn't make me feel any better"
[Today at 04:05:14] Sparrisen: ...
[Today at 04:05:49] Sparrisen: Now having a theoretical analysis like this by the deathbed of my MOM I FEEL THIS IS OFFENSIVE TO ME
[Today at 04:06:53] Sparrisen: and.. whyyyy... WHY do I feel it is offensive? I KNOW my brother is the born scientist. He cares about all life except mosquitos'.
[Today at 04:07:26] Sparrisen: further analysing this, I find the LACK OF EMOTION to be offensive
[Today at 04:08:47] Sparrisen: ****WHY IS THIS**** What weird function on my brain react this way. And why. WE CANNOT CONTROL EMOTION
[Today at 04:09:02] Sparrisen: Fuck it, I'm making a post about this




Alright, this is weird. I'm going to tell you about my own experience about this. My mom was on the deathbed and it was horrendous. I was filled by a total feeling of NOT BEING ENOUGH, NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO, as my mother struggled in front of me.

She was dying from lungcancer, which is, like drowning. She litterly looked like she tried to get above some surface of water above her, and the more she struggled, the more oxygen her body used, and the more she paniced, because it wasn't enough. It was like watching your mom being tortured to death in front of you, so enraged in panic was she, that you couldn't even be sure it was your mom you were watching. It was almost like watching an animal struggle against its death, if it wasn't for the fact that she grasped my hand so hard. And I couldn't do anything. I was fucking worthless.
Once in a while the nurse came in and doped her, making her struggle less, but turning her more and more into a vegetable. God knows my mom struggled. She didn't want the injections, she could feel it was sapping her energy, SHE WANTED TO LIVE. For us, her family. Life was a pain for her, but she would pour her life into ours, the same way that she'd done all her life.

Sitting there, I was torn between pounching the nurse in the face for gradually killing my mother, or thanking her for lessening her pain. Another desicion there and mom might have lived another day. Should she live another day? She wanted to, from here paniced state, it seemed. Who wouldn't. WOULD SHE RRREAALLY want to live another day, in torture? She wasn't in any state to make these calls. I saw my father across the bed feeling the same that I did, but he wanted to keep a strong fascade. Be calm. To have my father by my bed, as I die, I would want none more than him to be there, but I know I will watch over him instead. I hope I will have his strenght by then.
Gradually mom seemed to sink into sleep, less and less disturbed the more doped she got.

I had to go. My nose was broken since earlier, and I had to remove my bandages, and the padding inside my nose that day, in another hospital. As I hurried out, standing on the busstation to take me back to mom, my dad called me, and said she was gone.

I sank down on my knees in the middle of the busstation and just cried. People were moving away, I guess they thought I was some kind of freak. I couldn't care less. FUUUUUUUUCK... ...mooom...!

And I called my friends, they had to know. They knew her too.

I remember I called one friend. My best friend. He knew my mother well. I'd been to the funeral of his twin-brother. And he cried harder than I cried. I couldn't hear a shit of what he was saying on the phone. He just cried as a little kid.

I felt insulted.

THIS WAS MY MOM DAMMIT.

You can't cry more than *I* cry!!!!!
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Anyhow, in the days to follow, I did my best to get my tears out. I had a photo, of her, I used to light a candle there, and cry until there were no more tears, and I was calm. My father sometimes joined me. He was comforted by being able to comfort me. He was glad to have someone with him emotionally in this, which had ruined him of his golden days.

I never saw my brothers there. They were somewhat numb to it, from my point of view.

**I** had some of it **TOO** I was ALSO somewhat numb to it. After a few weeks, I was somewhat alright. I cried for my own sake, because it felt right. Because I sat there and remembered her warmth. Most of the time, I cried for joy, because I had loved her sooo much, and I only hoped my future wife would have the abilities to love her children so wholeheartedly. So selflessly.

And sometimes, I felt small stings of GUILT, that I wasn't MORE SAD. And I could see this in my brothers, the GUILT of not feeling so sad. This was what they felt.

Isn't that weird?

Like they couldn't honor the sacrifice of flesh and blood she'd done for us, with their tears. Logically, they knew they should. Therefor they felt guilt. And I know I could have crushed them by stabbing this wound, because guilt is a powerful feeling. But no, everyone deals with things their own way. If they had no tears, perhaps they didn't need it.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wondered if they would cry for me, the day I perished.

Or would they just logically accept it. "Yep, he's gone. Let's move on."

Somehow, I wondered, if that matters at all. I'll be dead. Who cares.

________

I believe that I feel offended by my brothers strip, because of the lack of emotion.

I believe lack of emotion, is something that can be regarded utterly offensive, unattractive and ugly. From my studies of what causes attraction in female and male reactions, one bonus point, is to have correctly programmed emotions, from the womens perspective.

(As in, you pushed your little sister in a well where she might drown, and you laughed about it, or your EMOTIONS SWELLED UP AND you WITHOUT A CHOICE, jumped in to save your sister without you even realizing what you were up to)

Like if you don't honor your social alliances with EMOTION, you actually, don't have to honor them at ALL. You don't HAVE TO. You can choose at any time not to. And I believe THIS is in the BOTTOM what is percieved as ugly and offensive, and has as we evolved through the centuries to be percieved in this way.
_______________________

Anyhow, I wanted to ask you if anyone else has had experiences of this kind.

GUILT, of not crying
TAKING OFFENSE of someone not crying

perhaps this is common, I don't know.

This is my brother's comic by the way, DON*T leave any comments. Personally, it leaves me offended, and I haven't really said anything about it to my brother, because that's his personal reactions to my mothers death, perhaps. I don't want to laden him with any kind of guilt. He is my brother, and I could not be inhumane and do that to him.

http://goldenage.comicgenesis.com/
 

[Persus]

This is a really hard one to comment on Sparrisen. The death of a parent is a very personel thing. Something that differs between siblings. For instance I grieved for my father long ago. I do miss him and still try to remember him often. I find though that my memories are more true to the man he was and not coloured by grief. I see the whole man good and bad. Because of this I can have open and frank conversations with my mother about the man he was. My six other siblings have each dealt with their grief in different ways. Some internalising it, others not dealing with it or building a false image of the man he was. By that I mean They only remember the good memories or ignore the bad. I can't and won't chastise them for this cause we all have to deal in our own way. The many years that have past don't change the facts he is gone they only dull the loss and make it something different.

Maybe your brother felt this was some how cathartic for him. As he states the matter is in no way finished for him. Where your grief would seem to be emotional and rightfully so. Your brother may have managed to rationalise some of his grief and use it in a productive way. Only you can get to the bottom of this and only by talking to him. As for others griefing harder than you. Some people are just like that, they grief hard. Think of it as a tribute to your mother that they felt here worthy of such grief. I am sure they weren't trying to out grief you.

[PimpFather]

You're human Sparris, and you what you are feeling and expressing is also human. You are also looking at your emotions with a magnifying glass - and that is also a very good thing. That means you're more human than most.

Dealing with death is a hard thing, and it takes a while to get used to death. Some never do. Even though death is one of the most common things on earth. The closer death comes, the harder it is to accept it. Having to watch a close friend or relative die is... hard. The knowledge that four children die every minute due to lack of water and food is somehow easier to accept.

You have two specific questions.

"GUILT, of not crying"

...is common. But grief has many faces, and it for many people it doesn't come out on cue. At times very tiny unimportant things can release a great amount of grief months after the actual event when you didn't cry. And sometimes crying isn't the way for some people to let their grief out. That does not necessarily mean that they aren't sad.

"TAKING OFFENSE of someone not crying"

...just shows that the person who is taking offense doesn't understand how grief works. But sure, it is frustrating when you are pouring your guts out with grief, and the person next to just stands ther seemingly unaffected. But remember - we are different, and we deal with grief in different ways. Your brother is obviously dealing with it in his own way - and I think he is doing a good job. It is a very sad strip, and I can feel his grief reading it. Can't you? Perhaps if you could, you would not be as offended. Go to your brother and give him a big hug, and tell him that you miss your mother as well.

/ Pimp

[Sparrisen]

ALRIGHT, I want to thank you for your replies, first of all.


I've come to a conclusion. A very vulcan one. Here goes:

FEELINGS are BULLSHIT, which purose is threefold:
1: Keep you ALIVE
2: Produce offspring,
3: Keep you in your place within the social system


1: I can take care of that very much on my own thank you
2: I have a friend who is travelling with me who is also training himself in the art of seduction, and he's reason is simple. When he has had sex, then he's not horney. He would, if he could, like to be NOT HORNEY for all his life. He would consider this a bliss.
3: And this is the FUCKED UP PART. THIIS IS WHAT IS MOST BULLSHIT OF ALL. Because, your feelings doesn't care about IMPROVEMENT. nonononono. If what you're doing right now, keeps you alive, then everything else is loaded with a variable degree of anxiety in relation to how ballsy it is.


For instance: One of the MOST SCARY THINGS YOU CAN EVER DO, is to try out a new social behavior. This is not ONLY met by inner resistance, from YOURSELF, it will agitite you entire surrounding, making them express their feelings like: "What are you doing?" "This isn't you!" "What's wrong with you?"

Imagine you see a guy, you know is a looser, acting like a cool guy to some other people.

ACTING LIKE A COOL GUY
-Behaving like he's the shit, while you KNOW how much of a looser he is.

Isn't this disgusting? Laughable? Don't you have like a INNER PULL, to take him down to his level?

While to the "other people" he appears like a cool guy. Until you roll up, pull him down, and now the "other people" are disgusted they even talked to him in the first place.
________________________________________________________
This makes it AWFULLY hard to achieve a change in the social dynamics around you. EVERYTHING will CONSTANTLY fight it
________________________________________________________

To be good with women, is to be able to dictate your own emotions, and thereby the womans emotional response.

IF YOU FULLY BELIEVE YOU'RE THE SHIT, when you roll up "Hey ladies, I'm gods gift to womankind. I want to take you into the alley and ravish you right now."

How the FUCK do they know if you're the dude pretending to BE cool, or the guy who IS cool? By giving you shit, right off the bat, and see how you deal with it. TRY TO PULL YOU DOWN TO YOUR LEVEL. And if they don't succeed, you're either:
1: The real deal    -or-
2: Mentally fucked up

- And these are the two types of guys I see pull girls regularly. Actually cool dudes, and dickhead retards.

Personally, my feelings generally don't help me shit. They tell me, not to do the dishes, not to study, not to get up in the morning, not to approach the hot girl, not to climb the mountain and have that awsome experience, not to... pretty much everything I have a strange inner drive to do anyway.

It also causes me to be offended by my brother, because his lack of emotion messes with my perception of the social system back home.

I could write ALOT on this topic. But I won't. I have shit to do. Which all would be easier if my emotions could just fuck off.
(or rather, let themselves be easily dictated)