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Author Topic: So this is it  (Read 20228 times)
Sparrisen
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« on: May 06, 2013, 19:23:50 PM »

That's what I feel.

I've returned to sweden. Most likely I'll get to see the doctor tomorrow, and I felt a little silly about that, since I'm feeling fine now.

Until my elbow just started to hurt, and then I started to feel a little sick.
____
I just played guitar. And my thoughts were all about how pointless this is. I was in the hospital when I had gastro-enteritis just now. And it absolutely sucked - and I fear I will go back there soon enough.

It feels like life is full of distractions, and underneath it all, reality slowly bubbles. And reality isn't fun, it doesn't care about you.
I awoke yesterday night, a spider was crawling on me, a HUGE spider.

I killed it. Just like that. One life, gone.
_____
Being in the hospital sucks. Usually, you are there, because you feel like shit. And as you sit there, in your bed - there's absolutely nothing you can do - but feel like shit. You would like to divert your attention to something, pass time, until you feel better, but there is nothing - the only thing that remains to focus on is how bad you feel.

It's like, it's not your choice to focus on it, but you can't avoid it. It might be aching, it might be hurting, you might feel sick, you might feel restless, out of breath, maby you can't breathe, feel like your drowning.
And today we can make that go on a long time.

It's coming for all of us. We don't see it, we hide from it, pass our time, but eventually reality knocks on the door. The surface breaks, and the ugly, neutral and plain reality shows you that in the end you're alone with your pain. It will have it's way with you before you leave. 
_______

And I figured I need to believe it can get better.

That's what our mothers all tell us, when we're in pain. "Don't worry, the pain will pass." BUT IT WON'T, there will come a time, when it *doesn't* pass. It grows stronger, and stronger, until you don't know what to do with yourself, because there's nothing you CAN do. You can just be there, spend this time in hell, knowing, it won't get better.

Now it will only get worse. And yes, it already sucks more than you can bear.

So I figured I have to look to death as something positive. I think I will adopt eckart tolles perspective, for REAL. Because, in truth, it is only forms. Our body is a form. It will decay, it will get destroyed. Like a thing.

The body of the spider I killed was a form.

To believe, when there is no hope left, that there is some hope, after all - beyond what we can see. I think I need to believe that, otherwise I'm gonna break - whatever comes will just be even more unbearable.
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Oynamak
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« Reply #1 on: May 07, 2013, 16:08:37 PM »

You've answered yourself allready.

Attachment to body does make you suffer. attachment to anything, since everything is fleeding, is short-lived.


Meditation is actually just doing this, shut down that attachment to the body as the mind stops moving. One thing I've learned from my meditation course, "don't reject, judge or hate anything you experience nor crave for anything or create any desire. Just observe it objectively - everything is perishable matter. Whatever desire or rejection you create is seed of your harm. Just observe, objectively. No craving, no rejecting, just observe it objectively. Whatever happens to appear or dissapear, it's bound to be so. Dont create any craving."
And then they said "Anitscha, Anitscha, Anitscha" that when you found any unpleasing feeling like pain in your back due to long sitting, or good feelings like deep meditation that you would immediatly start thinking "nice that feels good i want it to last wow nice thats awesome" you kept reminding yourself, whether its a bad or good experience, its going to pass. its bound to pass. anitscha, anitscha.." Cheesy


And to give you an intellectual analyzed answer too, I suppose believing to something immaterial can help you to hope and actually bear the suffering. And death is the nearest that's just like that and fits that requirements perfeectly. I suppose either way to bypass this experience of immaterial and no-matter without dying is probably what many call finding the "Self", be aware of ones own awareness. Atleast thats how I understand e.g. eckhard or Osho.


A nice description is like, you are the ocean and at the surface there are many waves, storm, thunders, causing disturbance, and you're living over there. You don't know of that ocean, you're only aware of that shit outside going on. Now you get aware of that ocean you actually are that those waves and rain arises from. And underneath the surface, all the shit going on out there doesnt disturb you anymore. You're unaffected, in distance and the silent depth of the ocean, you can watch whats going on on the surface. Waves come and go, they are not steady. But on the surface you can't know. You are that wave. You may be attached to it, you may dislike it. When you're the ocean, you don't care the forms that you adopt, the situations that adopt, any feelings be them good or bad that arise, because they are short-lived. And you're that silent awareness, that present, existent ocean. That awareness perceiving itself. That ocean perceiving its waves.
 



edit: unintentionally I still answered you in some way. its a pretty nice anecdote anyway, or however its called. story.

But you'll get over it probably, either way you will sooner or later get back to it eventually.
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emrys
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« Reply #2 on: June 19, 2013, 05:39:28 AM »

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